Bloat patterns and directness principles

Open this for the diagnosis (step 4). Name the patterns present and quote the words.

The nine bloat patterns

1. Throat-clearing intros. "In the world of agency growth, one challenge stands out..." Fix: delete the first sentence, then check whether the second goes too.
2. Hedging qualifiers. "This can often help you potentially reduce..." Fix: commit to the claim or cut it.
3. Explaining the benefit instead of stating it. "By systematizing delivery, you create efficiencies that free up founder time." Fix: state the outcome as a picture. "You stop reviewing every deliverable at 9pm."
4. Abstract nouns. "Operational excellence," "strategic clarity." Fix: swap each for the thing it looks like in real life (a calendar, a Friday, an invoice).
5. Buried verbs. "The implementation of a standardized process results in the reduction of churn." Fix: actor plus live verb in the first five words. "Standardize onboarding and churn drops."
6. Saying it twice. "Fast and efficient, saving you time and effort." Fix: keep the sharper twin.
7. Over-transitioning. "Additionally... Furthermore..." Fix: a paragraph break is a transition.
8. Adjectives doing proof's job. "Incredible results." Fix: replace the adjective with a number, a name, or a timeframe.
9. The soft landing. Ending on a summary. Fix: cut the last line and see if the piece got stronger.

The directness principles

1. Lead with the sharpest claim. Readers grade you on line one.
2. One idea per sentence, one claim per piece.
3. Concrete beats abstract. If you can't photograph it, sharpen it. "Reclaim your time" becomes "Get your Fridays back."
4. Verb-forward. Kill implementation, optimization, utilization.
5. Specifics beat adjectives. "Dramatically shorten your sales cycle" becomes "Close in one call instead of five."
6. Claim, then proof, within one line.
7. Every line earns the next line.
8. Read it aloud. Out of breath means split it. Two short sentences that are really a setup and payoff get joined with "but," "and," or "so." The goal is punch, and fragments aren't punch.
9. Talk about the reader's business rather than your method. Count the "you"s against the "we"s.

Calibration pairs

Read these before the first rewrite. They set the size of the cut: sentences usually lose a third or more, while labels and buttons can gain a word or two when that makes them specific. The examples use agency copy, so match the size of the cut, not the register. The numbers are illustrative; never carry one into real copy.

Homepage hero. Before: "We partner with ambitious agencies to develop comprehensive strategies that drive sustainable growth and help you stand out in an increasingly crowded marketplace." After: "Your agency does great work that sounds exactly like everyone else's. We fix the second part."

Cold email opener. Before: "Hi Sarah, I hope this email finds you well. I wanted to reach out because I've been following your agency's journey and I'm really impressed with what you've built." After: "Hi Sarah, your homepage says 'full-service digital solutions,' and so do six competitors'."

LinkedIn hook. Before: "One thing I've noticed after working with dozens of agency owners over the years is that there tends to be a common pattern in how they price their services." After: "Underpriced agencies all set rates the same way: market minus 10%."

CTA block. Before: "Ready to take the next step? We'd love to learn more about your agency and explore whether we might be a good fit. Schedule a no-obligation discovery call today." After: "One call. You leave with a rewritten homepage headline, whether we work together or not. Book the teardown."

Opening line of a long piece. Before: "This week I want to dig into something that comes up constantly: the hidden costs of scope creep and what it's doing to your margins." After: "A client showed me his P&L last week, and scope creep was his third-biggest expense. He just didn't have a line item for it."

Pricing tier. Before: "Growth Package (Most Popular)." After: "Fill Your First 5 Roles."

CTA button. Before: "Learn More." After: "Get the pricing math."

Subject line. Before: "Some thoughts on agency pricing." After: "Your retainer is priced off the wrong number."

The hook toolbox

Open this for the rewrite (step 6) and the alternates (step 7). Put the straight message into the pattern. Never start from the pattern. Use one per draft, and a different one for each alternate.

1. The Priced Problem. Name the problem and what it costs. "That 'flexible scope' clause cost you $60K last year."
2. The Named Enemy. Give a plain name to the thing doing damage to what they care about. "Free revisions are eating your margin."
3. The Contrarian Flat Statement. The thing they're proud of is the real problem. "Your referrals are the reason you can't raise prices."
4. The Damning Question. Ask when proof of health last happened. "When did a stranger last pay you full price?"
5. The Fork. Do the thing, or keep suffering the consequence. "Raise your prices or keep funding your clients' margins."
6. The Receipt. A specific outcome plus a surprising constraint. "$40K retainer, closed on the first call, no proposal."
7. The Uncomfortable Mirror. A time, and the thing they never admit. "It's 9pm and you're rewriting a junior's deck again."
8. The If/Then Filter. If they have the symptom, this is for them. "If your best salesperson is the founder, your agency has a ceiling."
9. The Before/After Compression. From the painful state to the desired one. "From pitch decks to a waitlist."
10. The Odd Specific. An odd number, its units, and a surprising claim. "Three sentences on your homepage decide whether the sales call happens."
11. The Familiar Phrase Hijack. An idiom with one word replaced. "Feast, famine, repeat."
12. The Concrete Tease. The specific artifact that produces the outcome. "The one line in our proposals that does all the selling."
13. The Cold Open Story. A time marker and a dramatic event. "Two years ago I fired our biggest client on a Tuesday."
14. The Command CTA. A verb and the specific thing. "Get the pricing math."

Punch-up rubric

Open this to set the word budget (step 3) and to score (step 8).

Word budgets

Targets, not gates. Going over is a flag to cut.

Hard gates

Any failure is an automatic fail. Fix first, then score.

• G1. No em dashes.
• G2. No AI vocabulary: leverage, utilize, delve, unlock, elevate, empower, streamline, seamless, robust, holistic, synergy, game-changing, cutting-edge, best-in-class, world-class, next-level, supercharge, navigate (as a metaphor), landscape (as a metaphor), "in today's fast-paced world," "at the end of the day."
• G3. No antithesis constructions: "It's not X. It's Y." or "That's not X. That's Y."
• G4. No fabricated specifics. Every number, name and claim traces to the source copy or the user, including claims about the reader. If one is missing, surface the gap and leave a placeholder.
• G5. Any CTA matches the brand publishing it. If you don't know the brand, mark this gate not checked.

The six dimensions

Score each 0-10. The anchors mark 10, 7 and 3; score between them where a piece falls between them.

PASS: 48/60, no dimension below 6, and Hook Strength at 7 or higher. The hook floor is higher because a piece that scores 9 everywhere with a 6 hook never gets read.

1. Hook Strength. Does the first line force the second? 10: a stranger stops scrolling. 7: clear and relevant, but a competitor could have written it. 3: opens with setup or a category statement.
2. Word Economy. Could you cut 20% without losing meaning? 10: cutting anything breaks it. 7: two or three units carry padding. 3: a 30% cut would improve it.
3. Concreteness. Can the reader photograph it? 10: numbers, named objects, real scenes. 7: one or two specifics, but abstractions carry key claims. 3: category language throughout.
4. Claim Sharpness. Does it say one thing a reasonable person could disagree with? 10: committed and falsifiable, stated flat and backed fast. 7: a real claim, softened until nobody would argue. 3: safe observations.
5. Rhythm and Read-Aloud. Does it sound like a confident person talking? 10: varied lengths, reads aloud in one clean pass. 7: flat, or one clunky stretch. 3: run-ons or choppy fragments.
6. Single-Mindedness. One idea, one enemy, one action? 10: everything serves one claim and one next step. 7: a side point or second CTA leaks attention. 3: claims fighting for the lead.

Repair moves

• Low Hook: rewrite line one from the piece's sharpest fragment, or apply a toolbox pattern.
• Low Economy: run the cut-30% pass.
• Low Concreteness: swap an abstraction for something you can photograph.
• Low Claim: find the one thing a reasonable person could argue with and state it flat.
• Low Rhythm: read it aloud, then join or split.
• Low Single-Mindedness: cut the second idea.